“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Running from your problems is cardio .
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty