i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?