(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
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Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
$4 #usedbooks
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
That was easy.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”