Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.