My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!