@ibid78

“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.

“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.

- @ibid78

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@TheToddWilliams

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

@robfee

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

@PaperWash

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

@Jez1

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”

@thedayofthedot

there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.

@JosesLovesYou

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

@glo_stevens

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.