My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Vodka burrito was a success
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.