Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
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All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”