Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

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“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide


“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist


Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham


can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”


I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.


*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death


What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?


[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.


When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.