Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My dress code is business-casualty.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?