My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
SM: Cool, right?!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,
but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Ribbed condoms don’t taste like ribs.
I know this now.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…
Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.