Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.

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ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough


I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated


People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep


Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip


I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters


Single women are so tired of hearing:
“Oh, don’t worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.”

I mean have you seen those beach clean ups?! Theres a lot of garbage in the sea.

Everyone’s all worried about the sea turtles & I’m over here trying not to date a serial killer.


If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.


Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically


I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.