Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.


Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.


[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo


Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL


just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock


Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off


hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield