@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

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@timdonakowski

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

@Parkerlawyer

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

@stevemarriott

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

@HonestToddler

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

@notlaneydelaney

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

@nachosarah

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield