Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Beware…..
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it