@blaha_Who

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

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@DrakeGatsby

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

@McGrumpenstein

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

@baronvonbike

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

@JPLFR80

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.