@blaha_Who

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

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@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@farouq_yahaya

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

@msalicenutting

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

@drinksmcgee

The clerk at the art supply store just told me they have a “Monet back guarantee”…

I’ve never wanted to hit someone more in my life.

@TuSoonShakur

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

@fro_vo

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS