My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.