Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

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My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.


I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.


The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.


[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.


Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?


At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.


Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is


*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs


I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.


Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…


Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.