Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.

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Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself


wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right


Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?


I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.

1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves


Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?


It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?


*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*


son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]