Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I can’t imagine why more guys don’t do yoga.
1. Yoga pants
2. Lots of girls
3. Lots of girls in yoga pants doing yoga moves
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
*mops up wine with cat*
*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]