Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
incredible text to wake up to
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.