Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Saturday
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.