@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

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@Jandalize

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

@Parentpains

“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

@pippydrydocking

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

@Elizasoul80

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

@AnniemuMary

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

@portmanteauface

I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe

@HiddenPinky

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.