Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.


“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.


If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.


My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.


Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.


I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe


How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?


One does not simply walk into more doors.