Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
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Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Potatoes were such a good idea
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”