@sweetg35

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

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@HallpassCanada

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

@RealPrincessKim

Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, “You must be heartbroken. I can’t believe Justin Bieber died so young!”

@suburbanified

‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!

Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)

@SteveSuckington

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

@sannewman

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

@iamspacegirl

Spider-Man, hanging right in front of your face when you turn on the bathroom light.