Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets