Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You Might Also Like
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples