Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Dumple
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
This kid will have a bright future.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.