Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

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If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.


Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.


You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.


Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?

Me: Maybe you’re pregnant?

Wife: What’s wrong with you?

*damn you webMD, damn you.


Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.


My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.


My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.


Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.


If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx


I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.