@joshgondelman

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

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@TheMainlandBlog

If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.

@LostFelicia

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

@SadieSmithRoks

You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.

@shawnspree

Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?

Me: Maybe you’re pregnant?

Wife: What’s wrong with you?

*damn you webMD, damn you.

@DamienFahey

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

@1CleverClogs

My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.

@RunOldMan

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

@GrantTanaka

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

@AimeeHelene1

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.