@audipenny

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

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@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

@farouq_yahaya

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

@Peauxtassium

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

@batkaren

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

@omerwahaj

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

@13spencer

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.