“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
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Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.
Me: Aren’t you adorable.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
A cop that contemplates his existence:
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”