This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream