Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station