As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Challenge accepted.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
me hooking up with my ex
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.