lmao
You Might Also Like
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”