Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.


This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.


<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*


If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.


Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213


My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.


My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.