Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.
nice haircut what did you do ask him for a nice haircut & he said “no”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A little bird told me I’m on LSD and talking to a bird.