Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
You Might Also Like
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.