Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH