Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Maths meets science
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.