sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
The Joker was right
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.