@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

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@boring_as_heck

A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.

@ObscureGent

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

@TrueQuixote

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: “Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what’d go well with this?”
Me: “The antidote?”
Boss: “No, a nice..Wait, what?”
Me: “Nothing”

@bourgeoisalien

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.

@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”