*sees person I know in a crowd*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi