@iatemuggles

sometimes i can’t believe Robert Pattinson is real

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@MartaEffing

*sees person I know in a crowd*
*waves enthusiastically*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*

@LegoGodzilla

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

@RexRizzo

Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”

@funflaps

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

@Pro_Jones_

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

@Marlebean

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

@Lhlodder

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

@FrenulumBreve

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

@alovablenerd

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi