I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.