Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you