Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
You Might Also Like
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself