Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
i think we should see other cousins
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job