Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.