@chrisdelia

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

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@UnFitz

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

@SJSchauer

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

@krisv_723

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

@heatherlou_

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

@LosLos__

Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

@lovemydogduck

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@_oculusmundi

Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.

@FeverFlave

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*