Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.


7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.


“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*


I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.


“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”


Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?


My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”


Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.


If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?


Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.