Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The Struggle
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Basketball
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.