Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…
You Might Also Like
[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]
I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.