Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…

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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?


[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]



I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.


me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love


ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung


[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will


Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.


Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”


I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.


Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.