@karlainvt
@RunOldMan
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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@RunOldMan
@JD_Barney
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
@cluedont
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
@Mechaniz10
Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.
Mine is my back scratcher.
@DaddyJew
Drug dealer: were you followed?
Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent
@ObscureGent
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
@CrystalMoon214
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
@envydatropic
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
@Pro_Jones_
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
@markleggett
I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.