@karlainvt

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…

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@RunOldMan

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@Mechaniz10

Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.

@DaddyJew

Drug dealer: were you followed?

Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@CrystalMoon214

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

@envydatropic

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

@Pro_Jones_

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

@markleggett

I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.