History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.