Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…

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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.


According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.


I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.


Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.


Drug dealer: were you followed?

Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent


Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix


Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”


What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance


*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.


I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.