@karlainvt

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…

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@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

@BillCorbett

[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]

NO. BAD.

@primawesome

I’d give these pigeons some bread but they’d probably just spend it on drugs.

@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

@Brampersandon_

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

@TheTalkingPipe

Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.

@HollyMemphis

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

@mistrustme1

I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

@Carbosly

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.