@jammiiepants

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

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@LlamaInaTux

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

@rodimusprime

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.

@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

@natalietran

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

@ValeeGrrl

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

@fro_vo

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything