I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
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I ate everything, including the H.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend
Should have guessed that Brad and Angelina weren’t in it for the long haul when neither of them let themselves go.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”