Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please


Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.


[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?


My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.


*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International


Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything