@jammiiepants

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

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@Matt_The_1st

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend

@WGladstone

Should have guessed that Brad and Angelina weren’t in it for the long haul when neither of them let themselves go.

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@TommyRainmaker

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

@WookieOnUnicorn

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

@Fred_Delicious

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

@abbygov

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”