“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do