(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street