Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

You Might Also Like


Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.


One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches


It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.


Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.


Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.


{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.


To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?


Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won’t turn into a beautiful butterfly.