@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

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@PaigeKellerman

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

@DrakeGatsby

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

@ABurgerADay

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

@Nyx422

Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@KimmyMonte

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?

@TheWhaleFacts

Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won’t turn into a beautiful butterfly.