*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers