Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
You Might Also Like
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.