CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Danger is very dangerous
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0