Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…