A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.
“NO!” *Shoots person in face*
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
1960: By the year 2000 we will have flying cars!