@SteveDutzy

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

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@TheDairylandDon

A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.

@HockeyTornado

Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.

@3sunzzz

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

@Cheeseboy22

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

@licensedtoverb

Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.

“NO!” *Shoots person in face*

@KamaroPayne

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

@incorrectmarvel

your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man

@OllyiConic

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent