Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
welcome back
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I’m being attacked 😭
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.