Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
You Might Also Like
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Its true…
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Cats (2019)
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.