Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Isn’t
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.