Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
This raises questions
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.