*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things