Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

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[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”


If you ask me to hold your drink, I will.

But I will also drink it. So..you know.


They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this


[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?


If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.


During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter


[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip


Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no


Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.


Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.