@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

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@rolldiggity

[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”

@regular_rebelme

If you ask me to hold your drink, I will.

But I will also drink it. So..you know.

@elle91

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

@GingerHotDish

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

@delusions_of

If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.

@GrantTanaka

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

@david8hughes

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

@FatherWithTwins

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.