Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
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DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
consequences, the bane of my existence
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
water it, i dare you
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee