Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…