Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
You Might Also Like
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”